Downers Grove, IL

Friday, February 05, 2010

It's February 5th and time for…

Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies

Welcome to February, the month of many holidays. In addition to Valentine's Day, President's Day, and Chinese New Year, February brings us Groundhog Day, celebrated this past Tuesday. This is the day, according to legend, that Nancy Pelosi pokes her head out of the ground, and if she sees her shadow, it's six more weeks of Botox.

Our next big holiday is Super Bowl Sunday. This year it's Indianapolis versus New Orleans and I am ready to make my prediction. I picked the winner of last year's Kentucky Derby and I am ready to declare the winner of Super Bowl XLIV based on the same criteria.

 

I pick my winners based on their names and in this case we have the Colts going against the Saints. What are colts but just little baby horses, while saints are dead guys in heaven who have a direct line to God. My prediction, Holy Dead Guys 34 – Baby Horses 21. If you bet this way and win, please send me 10%. If you bet this way and lose, well that's what you get for taking my advice.

Not everybody can be a winner but the real losers are found in this week's Friday Funnies.Don't Bogart That Sewage – Arizona law enforcement officials discovered 743 pounds of marijuana this week when they stopped a septic tank truck south of Tucson. The truck was stopped because it had an invalid license but upon further inspection authorities discovered bales of pot wrapped in plastic floating amidst the contents one would normally expect to find in a septic tank truck. The pot had an estimated street value of $400,000 so euphemistically speaking, it was a truckload of "really good $#&@." 

News From Around The World – In Stockholm, Sweden, a man was angry with his ex-wife so he gave her a gift to remember him by. He pushed 19 mice through the mail slot of the woman's apartment knowing that she was musophobic, deathly afraid of mice. When she saw the rodent invasion, the woman went into a panic and called police. When police arrived they took her to the hospital and captured the mice which were taken to the police station for questioning. The husband was arrested and charged with delivering mail with insufficient postage. And now you know a new word, "musophobic."

If you are looking for the ideal location for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner, you may want to head to Mildred's Temple Kitchen in Toronto, Canada. For Valentines weekend, Mildred's is inviting couples to have sex in their bathrooms. The restaurant has four unisex bathrooms and encourages couples to use them to work up an appetite while they are waiting for their order. The restaurant is also offering a special on oysters.

 Sticky Wicket Update – Last July, four women in Chilton, WI were arrested for gluing a cheating husband's penis to his stomach. This week they were sentenced to probation and community service since no permanent damage was done to the man. The victim argued that while the damage was not permanent, the gluing caused him to pee in his own eye.

Dale Irvin

Professional Summarizer

Downers Grove, IL

630-852-7695