 |
 |
|
|
Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
Downers Grove, IL
Friday, March 05, 2010
It's March 5, 2010 and time for…
Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
March is finally here and spring is just around the corner. Baseball is being played again, birds are singing again, and in the northeast, they are down to only 20 feet of snow on the ground. They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb and while I don't know what that means, it leaves a lot of other creatures to fill in the gap. I think I discovered some new ones in this week's news.
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
"Is This Heaven? No, It's Albion, Michigan." – Police arrested a 53-year-old man in Albion this week after he shot up his hotel room and put the alarm clock in the microwave. The man said that he performed the acts because "God delivered me from evil and placed me in Albion, Michigan." This makes one wonder if God sent him there as a punishment or to show people in Albion what a real whack job looks like. Police had already charged him with reckless discharge of a firearm when they discovered the ruined alarm clock in the microwave. They then charged him with…killing time. (rim shot)
I Guess It Was His Day To Go – Roy Messenger of Montesano, Washington ran his car into a utility pole but was not seriously hurt. Having escaped this brush with death, Roy breathed a sigh of relief and, since there was no one else around, he relieved himself. He proceeded to pee onto the power line he had just knocked down. Roy died from what authorities called, "a streak of real bad luck." Physician, Heal Thyself –I don't know much about Kentucky other than it gave us the Kentucky Derby, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and inbreeding, but I swear there must be something in the bourbon. Dr. Douglas Rank is a psychologist from Covington, KY who is in jail for stabbing a woman with a sword, but his patients want to know if they can still keep their appointments with him. Deputies at the Kenton County jail have had to turn away several of Dr. Rank's patients who wanted to see him. If you are one of those patients, look up the phrase, "the blind leading the blind."
"Tacoma Police Find Naked Woman Tied To A Tree." – This is the actual headline of the story and I couldn't improve upon it. Apparently police found a naked woman in Defiance Park in Tacoma WA and she was tied to a tree. A man was with her and they were having a "consensual rendezvous". The woman blamed the man for their situation saying, "He needs to fix his hearing aid. I said "Buy me a glass of wine" and he thought I said "Tie my bare ass to a pine."
When Political Correctness Runs Amuck. – Maria Conneran and her family from Rahway, New Jersey used the recent preponderance of snow in to sculpt a snow copy of Venus De Milo in their front yard. Neighbors, however, complained that the snow statue was naked! Police asked the family to clothe the sculpture to appease the neighbors so Maria outfitted Venus with a bikini top and a sarong. Apparently in Rahway, NJ, it isn't art unless it's done with spray paint.
Dale Irvin
Professional Summarizer
Downers Grove, IL
630-852-7695
